Blueprint for Belonging: God’s Five Relationships for Your Life
If you told me five years ago that I was going to write a book on relationships, I would have laughed. I’m no relationship expert, and the ones in my life are a lot like yours: some are strong, some are messy, and others depend on the day you ask me! I usually leave the advice to counselors, but a couple of years ago, I started to see something in the Bible that just might help us all. It’s because I’m a fellow traveler that I think you’re going to like my new book.
I have come to believe that the life of Jesus holds the knowledge of how we can build the kinds of relationships that will truly satisfy our souls. His life reveals a design to his relational world (I call it a ‘blueprint’). Blueprints are a guide to a whole process of renovation and construction, so having one doesn’t mean everything changes overnight. But it does mean you know what you’re aiming for. And I believe our culture has taken its eye off the ball. Our attempts to build relationships don’t seem to be satisfying our deepest needs for connection.
Even after writing the book, there are times I still feel lonely and other seasons when I feel very fulfilled. What’s changed is that I have a new language and a new understanding of the end goal -- the relationships I need to value and love and grow from the closest ones to the furthest out. Knowing your final destination is the whole point of a blueprint! Even if the process of rebuilding takes some time.
Jesus had five kinds of relationships in his life, and those are now the ones I look to value and build in my life. Below is a quick glimpse into how I spent the last season of my life observing, praying into, and learning about each of these five areas of relationship. I tried to see my own life through this blueprint, and as I realized its potency (and how it helped others), I had to share it. The book that resulted is Blueprint for Belonging.
What Is a Relationship Blueprint?
If you think about a blueprint in the construction sense, it’s a whole set of documents and plans that a contractor follows to create a house or other building. A blueprint can’t just focus on one area, like siding or windows. It needs to be comprehensive and have an order to it.
The blueprint concept applies to many other areas of life, too. I remember seeing a “blueprint” for “how to apologize” in my kid’s elementary school gym. It outlined a step-by-step process for how to slow down, acknowledge wrong, and ask for forgiveness. (I think most of us adults could really benefit from this little sign!). We use types of blueprints in areas like health and fitness all the time. (Does anyone else remember the “food pyramid” I grew up learning?)
God has also given us a blueprint for how to build relationships. I believe that the life of Jesus was holy and different on many levels - one of those is the fact that he lived out God’s design for relationships! So, reading about how he did relationships is crucial for us even though our culture is very different. I deeply believe that scripture was left for us to find our way toward a God who wants life for us. His blueprint provides a “divine design” of sorts.
We don’t need to mirror this perfectly. (You won’t find any guilt trips or rigidity in the book!) On the contrary! It’s filled with grace. I’ve come to see that God’s blueprint for relationships is more of a renovation rather than a new construction. There’s an existing structure we have to acknowledge, deal with, and honor in many ways. Only God knows precisely how to lead you through any redesign or reno. And if there is one true thing about relationships, it’s that they are always changing - so we have to keep adapting as we live. (I actually put extra copies of the blueprint in the Appendix of the book for that reason!)
Just like when you invest in your health and fitness one day and one effort at a time, any step you take toward this relational blueprint is a good thing. That is what inspired me to write this book - you are invited into a more deeply thriving life!
God’s Blueprint for Relationships
There are moments in scripture when God comes right out and says things. Don’t murder. Love one another. Let my people go. Often, though, the lessons are more nuanced than that. When it comes to relationships, it took me a while to figure out the relational structure God lays out in the life of Christ.
A few years ago, I was reading from Mathew/Mark/Luke/John every day (a small section from each book daily), and that’s when I began to see patterns emerge in the life of Jesus. Probably because I often read the same story more than once and caught questions and details I may have otherwise missed. His patterns are both profound and specific.
For example, he had a trio of siblings, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus — two of whom were women, an unusual form of close connection at the time. He loved these three deeply but never traveled with them or invited them into his twelve. In Luke 6:12-14 we can watch what Jesus did as he selected these 12 disciples. In Luke 10:1-4, he sends out 72 workers to spread the gospel, heal, and teach. I started wondering if these numbers and the things he did (or didn’t do) with these specific people mattered to my life and relationships.
There are some more curious connections, too. For instance, Jesus challenges who his family is in Mark 3: 31-34 when his relatives come to find him, and he says, “Who is My mother, or My brothers?” indicating that those sitting around him were the authentic answers to that question.
As I read through the Gospels, certain themes kept coming up in Jesus’ relationships. I started bucketing them and eventually gave names to the different categories. I processed them with a group of 30 women (all ages and life stages) and we explored the relevance to all our lives today. The result was the book.
The Focus of Blueprint for Belonging
In the end, my research led me to outline five different kinds of relationships that are collectively essential for truly meeting your need for all kinds of connection and belonging:
Core: Your closest, most intimate connections.
Circle: The trusted people with whom you live the regular rhythms of life.
Comrades: The people with whom you share a purpose/mission/vision for life.
Community: Your larger network of family, friends, and acquaintances, past and present.
Crowd: People you encounter, online or offline, that you do not yet know.
While these categories are helpful and interesting, through the group’s discussions, the most heartfelt exchanges we had were when one of these kinds of relationships was broken, bad, or missing. That’s when the blueprint helps the most.
The deepest part of the book is not design language or helpful tips: It’s the understanding that you were made for all these connections, and your heart and soul can’t be whole without them. When you understand how God designed you for connection, you can take new steps to live in wholeness and healing.
My Prayer for Your Relationships
You’re probably already aware of some relational elements that are missing in your life (even if you’d call it something different than I do in the book). We usually become aware that there is a design when something goes wrong. It usually takes something being off for us to notice and invest in understanding God’s creative framework for our lives.
My prayer for this book is that the blueprint helps you see and build your relational world in a way that will bring you more life — not just intimate connections, but I hope you even find meaning in complete strangers! I hope it opens your eyes to the opportunities God is bringing you for deeper connections. I believe he not only built you for this but wants it for you… not ‘someday’ but now.
The most fun part of the book is that all throughout, there are pages for you to write down names and work through a redesign of your own relationships. In the last chapter, you’re going to re-create a blueprint for belonging in your own life. (Don’t worry. It’s not that long!) Blueprint for Belonging is a book written to open eyes and spark change. I pray it will do both in your life.
Blueprint for Belonging is officially available. Pick up a copy from your favorite retailer.
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